The Marauders' Companion
by Mibamonster
Summary: When the Marauders and Lily stumble across 'the Marauders' Companion', a book filled with fanfiction about them, they are not prepared for the incredible and at times horrifying imagination of fanfiction authors. JP/LE.
1. Forbidden Fruit

**A/N: Hello, this is a reposting of my earlier story, ****_The Marauders' Companion_****, in which the Marauders and Lily get together and read fanfiction about themselves. It was removed because I used some of JK's content - in this version, that won't be the case. I hope you enjoy it!**

* * *

You'll never guess what I found in the library,' said Sirius, as he sat down on the couch between James and Lily. In his hands he held a large book with a black leather binding.

'A book?' said James.

'Yes!'

'Good for you, Sirius,' said Lily, looking a bit miffed. 'After only six and a half years at Hogwarts, you've finally found out what the library's for. I am so proud of you. Now, do you know what people generally do with books or have you not yet reached that stage?'

'There's no need to unleash your unresolved sexual tension on _me_, Evans,' said Sirius. 'James is sitting right over here. And yes, I know what to do with a book. The thing is, this book is _awesome_. It has stories – about us! And some other people, but look, look.' He opened the book and read, '"_One-shot. A day in Lily Evans's life: missing breakfast, worrying about school, daydreaming about James Potter - wait, what? Written in the style of Bridget Jones's Diary. LE/JP_". That's about you, Evans! And James, obviously.'

Lily's jaw dropped and she snatched the book from Sirius. As her eyes slid over the summaries of stories, she raised her eyebrows higher and higher until they were invisible behind her fringe. 'This is… odd,' she said.

'Was that Sirius holding a book?' said Remus, looking up from where he'd been writing his Arithmancy essay.

'It's about us,' said Lily. 'I… I have never… Wow, wait. "The Marauder's Companion: A compilation of some of the best, funniest, strangest, slashiest and otherwise interesting Marauder's Era Fanfiction." _Fanfiction_?'

'What is fanfiction?' said James. 'Why would it be about us?'

'Fanfiction means that, say, a book was written about us by, say, me, other people would write stories about it,' said Lily. Her confusion seemed to be lessened by explaining things. 'So if I wrote a book about you Marauders and other people would, I don't know, write a story from Severus's perspective. That's fanfiction.'

'And people write that about us?' James sounded intrigued. 'I want to know what they're writing about us. That one about you daydreaming about me sounds like it might be fun – can I read it?'

'Certainly not,' said Lily.

'I think you've all forgotten who _found _this book,' said Sirius, taking the book back from Lily and placing it on his lap. 'Now, I'm willing to share, because I'm just that kind a person, but I get to choose what is being read. Unless you don't want to read about yourselves.'

'I'm quite curious,' said Remus.

'So am I.' James looked around the Common Room, but it was deserted; younger students, who didn't have their N.E.W.T.s to study for, had already gone to bed. 'Shall I get Wormy or should we let him sleep?'

'He needs his sleep; I'll tell him tomorrow,' said Sirius. 'Besides, I want a story about me. If he's going to be here, he's just going to whine that he wants the story to be about him, the wanker.' He cleared his throat and leafed through the pages until he saw a story that had 'Sirius B. and Remus L.' listed as its main characters.

'"_Forbidden Fruit. Remus and Sirius have been best friends for years, but one night seems to mean more to them than they could ever imagine. Slash_" That sounds interesting, no?' said Sirius. 'What's slash?'

'No idea,' said Remus.

'Well, here we go. Ah, I'm going to read a story about me – how awesome _is _this?' And then, Sirius started reading the story to them.

**Remus Lupin had always been a bit of an outsider. He liked to think it was because he was a werewolf, but he knew it went deeper than that. In truth, he had never belonged anywhere, not even when he'd been 'normal'. Now that he was at Hogwarts, he kept waiting for his friends to realize this and abandon him, though the chance of that happening seemed to diminish as time went by. **

'You really think that?' said James, looking at Remus. 'Because we won't leave you, you know, even if you are strange and have a chocolate fetish.'

Remus shrugged. 'I… don't really worry about that anymore. But maybe this is somewhere in second year? I was afraid of it back then…'

**They hadn't even left him when they found out his worst secret.**

**Of course he had another secret, one he couldn't even dream of telling them.**

'How thrilling,' said James. 'His hidden chocolate stash, I want to bet.'

**Or, more specifically, him.**

**Sirius Black.**

**Sitting in the Common Room, Remus looked over at where Sirius, James and Peter were playing Exploding Snap. From the way they were talking, Remus deduced Sirius must've been cheating again; it made Remus smile. Sirius always made Remus smile. **

Here Sirius stopped and gave Remus a suspicious look. 'I know I'm funny, but Remus, this train of thought is a bit… intimate.'

'It's not mine,' said Remus, who'd turned pink. 'Most of the times your jokes are too stupid.'

'It sounds like someone has a crush,' said Lily.

'It's not me.'

'In the story it is.' James wiggled his eyebrows. 'Or maybe Fanfiction!Sirius is just funnier than the one we're stuck with.'

'I'll be continuing then,' said Sirius, with a dark look at James.

**He brought his attention back to his book; there were finals to study for. N.E.W.T.s to pass. **

'Still Remus, then. Had me worried there for a moment, mate,' said Sirius.

**He couldn't go and waste his time – though he admitted it might be debated whether 'looking at Sirius' counted as 'wasting time'.**

'I'm worried again.'

'Should we go for a different story? I'm not sure if I like how I'm portrayed in this.' Remus looked quite troubled.

'Maybe it's just bad writing,' said Lily.

'**Moony, you stupid wanker, stop reading,' said James. 'Sirius won't play fair if you're not here and you need a break anyway. All that reading will ruin your brain cells.'**

'Look! It's me!'

'Shut it, Potter.'

'**I really need to study,' murmured Remus meekly.**

'**Sod that. I said you needed a break,' called James. His voice was so loud, some of the girls in the Common Room – including Lily Evans – threw him annoyed looks. He noticed and winked at them.**

'Look, Evans, that's you!'

'I repeat: Shut it, Potter.'

'But I winked at you!'

'You guys, we're reading about Remus's big crush on me,' said Sirius, who was torn between fascination and revulsion. 'Yes, you're in it, but could you please be quiet? I feel plot development coming on.'

'**Come on, Moony,' said Sirius. 'Come and play.' **

'I feel gay sex coming on,' said Lily.

James looked appalled. 'Evans!'

'What? I can't be the only one to notice the subtext over there! Combined with the "staring at Sirius", I'm very sure this Remus is gay. Which is fine,' she hastened to add, looking at Remus. 'If you're gay, you can tell us.'

'I'm not gay! And definitely not for Padfoot.'

'**Well…' Remus pretended to hesitate, but he knew the battle was lost. How could he refuse Sirius anything? Sirius, whose gorgeous mouth was now curled up in his trademark sexy grin; **

'You've got to be kidding me,' Remus muttered, hiding his head in his hands. 'Who wrote this?'

Sirius checked the author. 'Someone named MissElainePotter. A relative of yours, Prongs? Anyway, yes, we were reading about how no one could refuse me anything because of my striking good looks…'

**Sirius, who had the body of Adonis; Sirius, who made Remus's heart beat faster simply by ****_existing._**

'**Please, Moony?' Sirius begged softly.**

Sirius snorted. 'I don't "beg". Especially not "softly".'

'That bothers you? I'm portrayed as being in love with you and it bothers you that you say something _softly_?'

'Moony, I have a reputation to uphold. Begging softly just isn't cool.'

'**All right then.' Remus closed the book and went to sit beside his friends. Though he was quite good at Exploding Snap, he kept losing; this was because he, unlike James and Peter, didn't object when Sirius cheated. After all, if he complained, Sirius might stop; he didn't want Sirius to stop. He never wanted Sirius to stop.**

'**You guys, I think I'm off to bed,' murmured Sirius after a couple of rounds**_. _

'And now I'm murmuring! I don't murmur!'

'**Think you'll survive without me?'**

**_No,_****Remus thought. 'Yes,' Remus said.**

'Gay Remus is melodramatic,' said James.

'I'm not melodramatic,' Remus said through clenched teeth. 'He doesn't resemble me at all.'

'If you say so.'

'**Remus, would you mind… coming with me? I needed to ask you something,' said Sirius. His piercing grey eyes rested on Remus, who all but came from their intensity. Sirius's eyes were like silver – like moonlight – like limpid tears. **

'Even I'm getting a bit disturbed by this description of my perfection,' said Sirius, looking queasy. '"Eyes like limpid tears"? Who _writes _something like that?'

**Remus choked. 'No, that's… of course I'll come.' He stiffened, **

'Ooooh!' said Lily.

'Lily, for the love of all that's magic, don't make this any worse,' said Remus.

**wondering if his friends caught the innuendo, but James had his attention turned to Peter – he was explaining something about Transfiguration – and Sirius was already moving towards the dormitory. **

**As they went up the stairs, Remus had a nice view of Sirius's arse. Not that he needed it – they shared showers, after all – but it was always pleasant. **

'Remus the perv,' said Sirius. 'You don't really stare at me in the showers, do you?'

Remus stared blankly at him. 'What do you think, Sirius?'

'I don't know. This is written from your point of view and you were also worrying about your N.E.W.T.s, it could be that there's truth in more of this. Plus, if you were to stare at anyone's arse, it wouldn't be Prongs's or Wormy's, so…'

**_You need to do something about these feelings_****, ****_Remus Lupin_****, he told himself, closing the door behind him. ****_Sirius is out of your league. Just get over it, before you get hurt_****. **

'**So, what did you want to ask me?' he asked, putting his hands in his pockets. He shifted his weight from one foot to another, wondering what would happen if he just grabbed Sirius by his tie and pulled him close and let his lips – **

'That's not there.' Remus was barely audible. 'Please tell me they did not write of me as thinking about snogging Siri – oh, _Merlin_, I don't want to think about this!'

'I don't know,' said Lily. 'I think it would be kind of sexy, you and Sirius. Right?'

'Evans, no. Just… no.' Sirius shuddered.

**With a mental slap in his face, Remus brought himself back to the present****_. Don't be ridiculous._**

**Sirius looked about as awkward as Remus felt. He was playing with his cufflinks, doing and undoing them. Finally he looked up. 'Moony – Remus – I – I don't know how to say this. I'm…' He ran his hand through his hair. 'I'm not good with stuff like this.'**

'**Stuff like this?' Remus mumbled.**

'**Feelings. Emotions.' Sirius sighed and rubbed his face with his hands. 'Remus, I… I love you. **

Sirius dropped the book. He stared at it, agape. 'They did not just make me fancy _Remus_!'

'Sucks, doesn't it?' said Remus.

'They can't think I fancy Moony. Don't they know anything about me? I'm a walking shagmobile!' Sirius shook his head. 'How did that line get in there? Why am I suddenly gay?'

'Well, you do have very shiny hair,' said Lily. 'And good skin, nice clothes… I could imagine people mistaking you for gay. Shall I continue?'

'No, no, I can do it.' He picked the book up again and restarted reading.

**This probably seems weird to you, but I can't keep it in me any longer. Watching you, every day, thinking about you, wanting you… **

Sirius choked. 'I don't like where this is going.'

**It's driving me crazy, Moony.' His eyes blazed with a sudden fury and he grabbed Remus by his upper arms. 'Say you feel the same way. Please don't say all this – all this love has been for nothing?'**

'**Of course it hasn't.' Love spread through Remus like an electric current, making his hairs stand up. He clasped Sirius's face between his hands. 'Sirius, I love you too – more than anything.' **

Sirius closed his eyes, closed the book and threw it across the room, where it landed against the wall with a _thump_.

'The rest was… not good,' said Sirius, answering James's surprised look. 'Someone wrote how Remus and I had _sex_. Remus. And I. As in…' He groaned. 'They described me having anal sex with Moony. That's just revolting.'

'There is fanfiction about how – do I even want to know what the original works were?' said James.

'Everything inspires gay fanfiction, James,' said Lily. 'It could be about ponies and dresses and every man would still be gay. It's how things work in fanfiction. At least, that's what Petunia said; she writes fanfiction for Jane Austen and once said loads of other writers think Bingley and Darcy are gay, for instance.'

'Who are they?' said James. 'Wait, never mind. What I want to know is…'

'Why me?' Sirius howled.

'I don't know. Oh, come on, it could've been a whole lot worse. _Accio book_.' Lily caught the book just before it hit her in the face. 'Not _all _the stories in here can be this odd. Life could be a whole lot worse.'

'Yeah, right. _You _didn't just read a story where you – I'm going to take a shower. And I don't want _either _of you in it.' Sirius got up and glared at his friends. 'Lily, you are welcome, as I feel the need to remind myself of beautiful women…'

'Thanks, but I think I'll pass.'

'Just as well.' Sirius took a deep breath and took off, leaving the other three to stare at the book.

'This might become interesting,' said Remus.


	2. Lily Evans: Demon Huntress

'Why is that still here?' Sirius glared at the book Lily was holding. 'Hasn't it caused enough damage already?'

'Don't be such a sissy, Sirius,' she said. 'I've read some of them – they aren't all that bad. I mean, there was this adorable one about you and James and how you met for the first time and I've just begun a story, _Night of the wolf, _which has a truly _heart-breaking _way of portraying Remus.'

'Lily, it's evil,' said Sirius.

James appeared by Sirius's side; he was still wearing his pyjamas and his hair looked even messier than usual. 'What is?'

'This, apparently.' Lily held up the book. 'Sirius, if you don't want to read it, fine. Just don't try to stop me from doing so, because this is _fun_. Although I must say, I am portrayed as a bit of a stuck-up whiny Prefect-person most of the time.'

'You're not whiny,' said James. 'Would you mind sharing some with me? After what I read yesterday… I'm curious.'

'Prongs, you are a wanker and don't deserve me for a friend.' Sirius grabbed the book from Lily's hands and snapped it shut. '_I _found this book, so _I _decide who reads what. And right now, _I _am going to the dormitory and read stuff about Lily, just because I can.' He paused. 'You are welcome to join me. If you dare.'

'Hey, I'm not the one who threw that book at the wall,' Lily said, getting up. 'You coming too, James?'

Something flitted across James's face, but it was too fast for Lily to see what emotion it was. 'I might as well,' he said, putting his hands in the pockets of his pyjama pants. 'It should be interesting.'

'Of course it's going to be interesting. If they butcher up Lily as much as they did with me…' Sirius ran up the stairs to the dormitory.

Lily was aware of the other students looking at her and whispering as she followed Sirius to their dormitory. She wanted to roll her eyes, but she knew that had _she _seen the Head Girl going to the room where four teenage boys slept, one of whom had a crush on her, she would whisper about it, too.

'Can't we do this downstairs?' she asked, as she entered the dormitory and was hit with a wave of boy deodorant. 'People are going to think I'm shagging one of you.'

'Not my problem.' Sirius was sitting on his bed in the lotus pose and patted the empty space next to him. 'Want to join me, Evans?'

'No.' She looked around for the cleanest bed, which would be Remus's, but it turned out Remus was still asleep, so she took a seat beside James on _his _bed. Wrapping her arms around her knees, she said, 'All right, go and read a story about me. Make it a good one.'

'Okay, how about this one: _Lily Evans: Demon Huntress. "Everybody thinks Lily Evans is just your average Hogwarts student, but she has a dark and deep secret. T for violence._" It sounds like it should be fun, right?' Sirius's eyes twinkled.

'Lily Evans _Demon Huntress?_' James said. 'That should be hilarious!'

Lily shrugged. 'Bring it on.'

**A/N: So this is that story I told you I wanted to write. SB/LE for ever!**

**Red was the blood that came up to Lily Evans's ankles. **

'O…kay. That's a nice start,**' **said Lily. 'Not even a sentence in and already I'm up to my ankles in blood.'

'You haven't had gay sex yet. Though maybe you will.' Sirius grinned and continued reading.

**The demon lying at her feet groaned and the sound was like the murder on a thousand innocent kittens. Lily sneered at him in disgust before taking her axe and, with one final exposition of her powers, she slashed off his head.**

'I'm pretty kick-ass, aren't I? I've an axe!'

'Evans, you are interrupting my wonderful reading. Be quiet.'

'**That was it for tonight,' she told no one in particular. She threw her hair back over her shoulder. It was raven black with pink and blue streaks **

'… What?'

'That's what it says, Prongs,' said Sirius. 'Don't worry, it gets worse.'

**and it came down to her lower back, cascading like a wave of the purest water. For a second she thought back of who she'd been, only a year ago, before The Change. She'd had boring red hair and green eyes and freckles; **

Lily's hand shot up and touched her hair. 'There's nothing wrong with that,' she told the book. Already she started to understand Sirius's problems better; it was one thing reading about your friends acting strange, but experiencing it yourself was horrible. Especially once one's freckles became involved.

James nudged her. 'I like the red hair-green eyes thing.'

**nothing like the perfect ivory skin and jet-black eyes she had now. **

**She went back to the Hogwarts Castle that loomed over the school grounds like a big, looming castle. Thinking of the students in there, she felt nothing but pity for them.**

'I feel pity for me,' Lily said. 'Feel pity for yourself! You have _pink hair!_'

**They had no idea of the Forces going on in the universe, of the danger they were in every single day. They didn't know how lucky they were to have a Protector like her. **

This mollified Lily a bit. 'All right, all right, if I'm a Protector, it's… not as bad.'

'Lily, "Protector" is a cheesy term,' said Sirius. 'I mean, have you forgotten what you just did? That demon groaned like…' He reread what the book said. 'Like the murder on a thousand innocent kittens! That's serious business and the best name they could come up with is "Protector"?'

'Well, I'm sorry, but I haven't seen _you _going around saving the school,' Lily said. 'I believe you were too busy making out with Remus for that.'

Sirius flinched. 'Don't ever bring that up again, Evans.'

'Then you don't go bitching about how I'm a Protector. At least I do useful things in the fanfiction universe.'

**She knew someone was watching her long before he stepped out of the shadows. **

'**Why, hello, Miss Evans,' he said, crossing his arms in front of his muscular chest. His long, black duster swayed in the cool November-night wind. **

'This purple prose is killing me,' Remus said from his bed. 'Can't you read something a bit less… over-the-top?'

'Remus, you're interrupting my dramatic moment with a muscular man. I know the writing is terrible, but it's the plot that counts.'

**In the darkness, his grey eyes looked silver, like limpid tears. **

'How does that work?' said James.

'I don't like the description "limpid tears" for eyes.' Remus had taken his duvet and went to sit beside Sirius. 'It sounds a bit scary, if you think about it.'

'**How was the hunt tonight?'**

**She reached into the pocket of her leather dress **

'Hmm. I must say, I kind of like that image.'

'Really, Prongs? Even with the blue hair?'

James glanced aside and gave Lily a once-over. 'I think that, even with blue and pink hair, Lily would look hot in a leather dress.'

**and got out something wet and pulsing. Throwing the demon's heart at his feet, she said, 'You could've helped, you know.'**

'**But I ****_did_****, my dear. Someone had to keep Dumbledore busy. It would've been most unfortunate if he came outside and found out what you do when you should be patrolling.' The person smiled; his teeth seemed unnaturally white in the moonlight. **

'**Dumbledore,' she spat. 'What is he to me? **

'Hey! I like Dumbledore!'

**He knows not of the powers I possess. He wouldn't understand this.'**

'**All the more reason to keep him away from this all.'**

**She didn't agree with him. She rarely did. **

'See, that's what's so interesting about this book,' said Remus. 'One moment, the people who are "us" are so completely random I'm sure they can't be talking about us, but then something like this shows up. Lily never agrees with anyone.'

'That's not true. I agree with you all the time.'

'I say we make a bet about who the man in the shadows is,' said Sirius. 'A galleon says it's Slughorn.'

'Padfoot, he's muscular.'

'I still think it's Slughorn.'

James shook his head. 'I think… I'm just going to say it's me.'

'I think it's James, too,' said Remus. 'It would definitely go with the "She rarely agreed with him".'

'And Lily doing wet and pulsing things with him and giving him her heart, don't forget that,' said Sirius, which made Lily glare at him.

'Well, _I _think you're all wrong. I want to bet it's…' She thought of who she'd put as the dark, dangerous stranger who could give her powers. If she was very honest with herself, she knew who she'd use for the biggest dramatic effect. 'Assuming I'm a bit strange and forget everything I've ever been taught… I think it's Voldemort.'

James frowned. 'What?'

'Oh, come on. People wouldn't see it coming, because I'm a Muggleborn, so it would be this "big reveal". And if I was on the dark side, that would explain the black hair and eyes. Dark side, dark looks, that kind of thing.' She shrugged.

'That sounds… more logical than Slughorn. Okay, I join Lily in saying it's Voldemort,' said Sirius. 'Now, shall we continue and find out?'

**Though she would be eternally grateful to the one who had given her these powers, they had a lot of arguments. Of course, she suspected he did this simply to provoke her. The sex was always better after they'd had a heated fight.**

'Now I'm really hoping I'm right,' said James.

'So am I.' Lily's nose was wrinkled in disgust. 'I'd hate to… yugh. Maybe Voldemort is a bit old. Maybe it's a handsome young Death Eater.'

'Never thought you'd be so superficial, Evans,' said Sirius.

'I didn't write this! _If _I'm on the bad side and have sex with it, I can at least hope it's good-looking, right?'

**Just to get back to him, she said, 'Well, seeing as you haven't done anything ****_actually _****useful, I guess I'll be going inside. I'm sure James Potter would ****_love _****to help me.' **

'Sorry mate,' said Remus. 'If it makes you feel any better, that isn't actually Lily. You might still have a chance.'

'Now I want to know who _is _this guy. I need to send hate vibes at them. And maybe hex their underwear.'

Lily placed a hand on his shoulder. 'James, you do realize that this is just a story and that I'm not really having sex with someone from the dark side? Death Eater _or _Voldemort?'

'By the way, am I the only one who thinks it's strange that what we know now could mean either a _very bad guy _or Prongs?' said Sirius, looking at his best friend. 'It is a most suspicious case, hmm?'

'Just continue, Black.'

'**Never!' Sirius Black stepped forward and grabbed her by her shoulders. **

'Why do I have sex with everyone?' Sirius whimpered. 'Why am I this bad person? I don't want to be a scary guy lurking in the shadows.' He handed the book to Remus. 'You must continue, Remus, I cannot do it any longer.'

'This story stinks,' said James. 'As if Sirius would ever have sex with you.'

'Especially when he could be having it with me,' Remus said drily before he started reading.

'**Don't you dare say something like that. He isn't worthy of you, Lily. James Potter of all people! James Potter!'**

'Sirius, I hate this you.'

'So do I, Prongs. This is almost as – no, never mind.' Sirius sighed. 'It's nowhere as bad as me in that other story. But it's still very bad.'

**She tried to hide her contentment at this outburst. James Potter was always a weak spot for Sirius. **

'Maybe you have sex with him as well,' said Lily. 'First Remus, now James and you just - '

'Evans.'

'I couldn't resist. Sorry, Sirius.'

'**Oh really? I always thought you were friends. **

'We are! WE ARE!' Sirius shouted at the book.

Remus moved away from him. 'There's no need to yell. It's just a story, Sirius.'

**Shouldn't you be ****_happy _****for him that the girl he loves is finally interested?' **

'I AM! I AM happy for James that Lily's interested!'

Lily cocked her head. 'Sirius, you do know that I'm not interested in James?'

'You are.'

'I'm not.'

'Shall we save this discussion for later?' James asked.

'She is,' Sirius mouthed at him when Lily didn't look.

**Sirius's breathing quickened as he saw the challenge in her eyes. He shook his head, slowly, sensually. **

'This is going to be bad,' whispered James.

'**Don't ****_ever _****say something like that again, Evans,' he whispered. 'I might have to hurt you.'**

'Don't you dare!'

Lily raised her eyebrows at James. 'James, _if _by some strange shift in the universe Sirius had the guts to even contemplate hurting me, I'd curse him into the new millennium. This is so unrealistic. I mean, I just killed a demon with a thousand kittens, there's no way that _that _me would be afraid of Sirius hurting me!'

'**Try your best,' she challenged. **

**The next moment, his lips were on hers and they were touching, kissing, biting. Lily moaned when **

'And that's where you'll stop reading, Remus, thank you very much,' said Sirius. 'Why does everything end with me having sex with people I'd never have sex with? What kind of strange world _is _fan fiction? Have they no idea of… of my complicated psyche? Or the Marauders' code?'

'You're not the only one acting Out of Character,' said Lily. She took the book from Remus and looked at the beginning of the story. 'And… Remember that author's note at the beginning? I think we could've seen that sex scene coming.' For a moment, her eyes flickered down to the end of the page, but upon seeing some of the words there – 'sword of manliness' and 'love pillows' among them – she decided she'd rather not know.

'What do you mean?' James asked.

She pointed at the top of the page. 'See that? "SB/LE Forever"? Those are our initials. She must ship us,' she told Sirius.

'Ship?' Remus said.

'Yes, shipping people means… you want them to be together, basically. Though why anyone would ship Sirius and me…' She took a deep breath. 'Okay, so this was strange and ended… even more strangely. I'm going to pick a good story now, if you're up for another one.'

'No,' Sirius said at the same time James and Remus said, 'Yes.'

'So, here we go…'


	3. Little Potters

'This one should be fun,' said Sirius. 'It's called _Little Potters _and it lists James as the protagonist. Let's see what happens to _you¸ _eh?' He grinned at James, who looked a bit uncomfortable.

'The fanfiction about James isn't that bad,' said Lily. 'They usually make him a bit of a sissy when I'm around, but other than that he seemed pretty normal in fanfiction-world. At least he did in the stories I read.' She got a dreamy expression on her face.

'Ah… right. Well, mate, maybe you're lucky.' Sirius cleared his throat and started reading.

**James stared at the small stick he held in his hand.**

**He'd always been skinny; he'd accepted a long time ago that he would never be very muscular and bulky. He could eat all he wants without getting fat – or so he'd thought. **

'Is this a story about how I get fat? People write about that?'

Lily shrugged. 'Maybe it's about how I like chubby boys and this is how you managed to make babies on me?'

He blinked. '… Maybe… Are there many stories about us making babies?'

Her cheeks became red. 'There might be some.'

'We'll get to that porn later,' said Sirius. 'I'm sure I can find one.'

**Yet there was now undeniably a small bump between his hips. **

**Looking at his reflection in the mirror, he placed his hand on his stomach. Yes, there was something there – a small bump that had never been there. **

'You're pregnant,' said Remus, nodding.

'Lily's pregnant?' Peter's voice came from his bed. Half his hair stuck to his face and his eyes were still half-closed as he looked at his friends.

'No, James is,' said Sirius.

'Of course I'm not pregnant,' James said. 'I'm not sure if you lot have noticed, but I'm a boy.'

'**It can't be,' he muttered. He tried looking at his body from another angle, but no matter what he did, there was no denying it. And even ****_if _****his body hadn't visibly changed, the stick in his hand told him the truth.**

**James Potter was pregnant.**

'Oh Merlin, no.' James buried his face in his hands. 'Remus, how did you know I was going to be pregnant? I want to bet you wrote this thing.'

Remus looked insulted. 'Prongs! I'd never come up with something like this!'

'What on _earth _are you doing?' Peter asked.

'Reading a story about how Prongs is pregnant,' said Sirius.

'Is that as nonsensical as it sounds?'

'Yeah.'

Without looking up, James said, 'Could we read another story? One that follows the laws of nature and has me having babies with Lily? Or one that follows the laws of nature and has me being rejected by her? Or one that doesn't follow any laws but at least doesn't involve me being _pregnant_, for Merlin's sake!'

**The bathroom door opened and Lily came in. **

'The test is hers!' Relief flooded James's features. 'We can continue this one.'

'Hey, I'm not the one in the story with a bump,' Lily said.

'It was an error from the author.'

'**James? Are you almost – what is -' She grabbed the pregnancy test and looked fiercely at it. She stood agape as she looked at James. 'James? What is this? Is this yours?'**

**He nodded. He now realized he wasn't wearing a shirt,**

Lily glanced to her right, but that James was still wearing one, unfortunately.

**so he got his from a hanger and put it on. 'I've been feeling weird lately, eating all kinds of stuff, and I felt sick in the morning, so I thought…'**

**Lily shook her head; her fiery red hair, hair James thought he'd loved when he was a teenager, was up in a ponytail. 'And so you thought you – have you had unsafe sex?'**

'Lily just acknowledges James could get pregnant from unsafe sex, people,' said Sirius. 'Evans, do you need me to explain something called "the birds and the bees" to you?'

'**Well, yes, but - '**

'**James!' She threw the test at him. 'How could you be so unthinking?'**

'Well, that's pretty in-character,' said Remus. 'Shouting at James while throwing things at him.'

'**I don't know,' he groaned.**

**She looked at his belly. 'You ****_know _****Potters are known for male pregnancy. **

'Say _what_?' Peter said.

'Please repeat that,' said Lily. 'I must've misheard you.'

Grinning, Sirius said, '"You _know _Potters are known for male pregnancy!" Man, I'd never thought I'd say that. It has to be the best sentence in the whole world. "You _know _Potters are known for male pregnancy!"'

James was lost for words. He just shook his head, trying to get his brain to work again. 'What?'

**Why weren't you more careful?'**

'**I didn't think it would happen to me!' He threw his hands in the air, before using them to seize his hair. 'I mean, my dad was fine - '**

'**Your dad was ****_straight!_****'**

'I… What _is _this?' James said. 'Who _writes _this?'

'Whoever it is, he's a genius. Oh, if only I'd come up with something like this…' Sirius laughed. 'It's good to know Charlus didn't give birth to you; that would've been weird.'

'**Oh, so you think that if I'd had sex with girls, I wouldn't be pregnant?' he challenged. **

'This is so weird. This is _so _weird,' James said. 'What is this?'

'**Yes! Speaking of which – who ****_is _****the father? Or rather, the other father.' **

Peter frowned. 'How… where is the baby in James's body? How will it get… out?'

All faces turned to look at him. It was Remus who finally said, 'Pete, that is something we shouldn't think about.'

**Lily thought of the people they shared the apartment with: Mary was a girl, so she couldn't be the one, and Lily knew ****_she _****hadn't impregnated James. **

'There is so much wrong with that sentence,' Lily said. 'How on earth would I be able to -'

'Lily, when we're having babies, I suggest you are the one who gets pregnant. Not me. This entire thing is bad for my mental health.'

'_If _we're ever having babies, then yes, I'll be the pregnant one. God, I can't believe I have to specify that now.'

**So the people left were Sirius, Remus and Peter – unless James had had sex with someone else entirely. **

'So now this author thinks one of us might have…?' Peter said, looking uncomfortable.

'Had sex with James? Yes,' said Lily. 'But that's no news; Remus and Sirius were at it yesterday night, too.'

'That couldn't be mentioned anymore!'

'Well, _apparently _it's not that uncommon in the fanfiction-verse. You'd think everyone is gay.'

**James shrugged. He looked quite hopeless. 'I'm not sure.'**

'**But who might it be?'**

'**Padfoot, maybe. Or Remus.' He hesitated.**

'You're kidding me. I might be pregnant from _Padfoot?_' James had gone the colour of old milk.

**Lily sensed it. 'There's someone else as well?'**

'Look! It might not be Sirius or Remus,' Lily said. 'Things aren't as bad!'

'Lily, this implies that I've had sex with three men. That _is _bad.'

'I wonder why you didn't have sex with me,' said Peter.

Sirius looked at Remus. 'Is he implying he'd like sex with Prongs?'

'I don't know,' Remus said.

Peter turned a bright crimson. 'Of course not! It's just… he'd have sex with you two, so it would be strange that he didn't…'

'Peter, you're…' James stopped and took a moment to recollect himself. 'I'm never going to have sex with you. Or Pads, or Moony. And please don't talk about this. I don't – I don't want to think about this anymore.'

'Could you be quiet? I want to know who the third person is,' Lily said. 'Sirius, go on.'

'**That happened only once. But it did happen about two months ago.' He pointed at the test, which said he was about two months pregnant. 'So I suppose I couldn't rule him out entirely…'**

**She placed a hand on his shoulder. 'Who is it?'**

'**I can't tell you.'**

'Two galleons that it's Dumbledore,' Sirius said.

'That is revolting,' said James. 'That is absolutely revolting, Pads.'

Sirius skimmed the page. When he looked up again, he had a devilish smile on his face. 'Oh, but what's written in this story is a _lot _worse than old Albus, James. You're going to wish it was Albus.'

'Get on with it!'

'**James, you know you can tell me everything. Was it a doe? Because that would be very strange,' she said, barely containing her laughter.**

'They – oh, no, I'm not pregnant from a doe, am I? That _is _worse than Dumbledore!'

Lily narrowed her eyes as she looked at James. 'How on earth would you get pregnant from a doe? You don't… go around shagging animals… do you?' she added hesitantly.

'Of course not. No. Morgan, no, I'm not having sex with does. It's just that… This is a very long story,' James said. He scratched his nose and didn't look at Lily. 'I'll tell you some time. But I don't have sex with does.'

'Not even in this story,' said Sirius. 'Don't worry. At least not about _that._'

'**It's not a doe.'**

'**Then who was it?'**

**He took a deep, deep breath through his nose. 'Severus.'**

'Oh, no, they didn't. They did _not._' James took the book from Sirius and read the story; but the name at the end was indeed that of his nemesis. 'I think we can all say that this story is one big pile of crap and should not be read any further. This…'

'This implies Snivelly took you through your ass, mate.' Sirius crunched up his nose. 'That's gross.'

James closed his eyes and did nothing but take deep breaths for ten seconds. When he opened his eyes again, he said, 'Sirius, if you _ever _say something like that again, I'm going to find the worst story of you and Moony and read it out to you. All the time.'

'I'd rather have sex with Moony than with Snivelly,' Sirius said.

'I cannot believe they're having this conversation,' Remus said, looking at Peter, who shrugged.

'You are the ones who found that story,' he said. 'I don't want to know how you even found something like this.'

'I feel filthy,' James said. 'I really need to take a shower.'

'Need Snivellus to join you?' Sirius asked.

James glared at him. 'One more time, Black, and you'll regret it.'

Lily stared at his back as he walked to the bathroom. She had to say, those pyjama pants suited him. The way they hung off his hips made her think of one of the stories she'd read yesterday night, where the Lily Evans of the moment had wangsted about her crush on James Potter. Of course the real Lily didn't fancy him, but it was at times like these that she had to admit he wasn't all that bad.


	4. Ariana Riddle I

Remus smiled as he read through a story of his friends telling him they knew of his lycanthropy. He'd read a few of them and he had to be fair, some of them were pretty accurate. It was strange to think people had put so much effort in trying to know how he thought and acted, but for some it had paid off.

'Hey. Reading them again?' Lily sat beside him on the couch and glanced over his shoulder. 'Oh, I read that one as well. It's good, isn't it?'

He nodded. 'By the way, have you noticed how everybody who doesn't think James is pregnant seems to think you and him are getting babies? Or at least together? I must've come across a hundred stories listing you two as a pairing…'

'I know. There are some in which James proposes and I say yes.' She sighed. 'If anything, I'd never accept him if he proposed in such a cheesy way. James can be dramatic all he wants, but if he gets down on one knee and conjures up hundreds of roses, there's no way I'd accept him.'

'I'll tell him. Or you could do so yourself, seeing as he's over there.'

Lily followed Remus's look and saw James, Peter and Sirius coming through the Portrait hole. James was wearing his Quidditch robes and listening to something Peter was saying, while Sirius let his eyes glide across the room. Soon he had found Remus and Lily.

'Ah, there you are. My favourite bed partner and demon huntress,' he said, coming to sit with them. 'How are you now?'

'I thought we weren't supposed to bring up that story again?' Remus said.

'You aren't, but I can do so when I deem appropriate. Have you read any other stories telling us of how James is a biological abomination?' Sirius saw James and Peter were coming, too, and quickly went to sit so he took in as much space as possible, forcing James and Peter to find their own chairs.

'No more stories of James's pregnancy, alas,' Remus said. 'I found one where you turn into a girl, though…?'

'Let's not read that.'

'No, I've already listened to enough of Padfoot's whining about his hair,' said James.

'Well, in that case I could read to you about…' He licked his fingers and turned a couple of pages. '_Ariana Riddle: Year one_. It's about… 'OC'.'

'Original character,' Lily said.

'She knows too much about this, it's suspicious,' Sirius said. 'But all right, Ariana Riddle. Bring it on, I say! Maybe we can finally have that lesbian sex I've been waiting for.' Here he threw a surreptitious glance at Lily, but she didn't notice.

**Ariana Riddle had never been like the others. **

'A good start, lesbian-sex wise,' Sirius said, nodding.

**She would always stand out in a crowd; people would always whisper things behind her back. As she walked through the Hogwarts Express, looking for an empty compartment, she wondered idly if she would have more luck at this new school. Maybe this time people wouldn't laugh at her, maybe this time she wouldn't be bullied because she didn't know who her parents were. **

'Do we _know _an Ariana Riddle?' James said. 'Or do we belong to the people who bully and ignore her?'

'I don't know her,' said Peter.

'She's a new student at Hogwarts,' said Remus. 'Maybe she's a first year. Maybe she won't come until next year.'

'Maybe this isn't based on real life and doesn't necessarily feature the people who actually attend Hogwarts.' Sirius tapped the side of his nose. 'What would you say of that, eh?'

**Though she didn't know it, Ariana was very pretty. **

'I feel a Mary Sue coming on,' Lily said.

'A what?'

'Just keep on reading; I've no doubt she will expose herself. They always do.'

**Her hair cascaded down her back like a waterfall of gold and her eyes were of the clearest blue. She didn't have a tan, but her skin was a perfect porcelain white, save for a few freckles across her nose and cheeks. She was slender, but with curves in all the right places. **

'Definitely a Mary Sue, then.'

'What's a Mary Sue?' said Peter.

'A Mary Sue is a character – usually female – without any flaws. Everybody likes her, the world basically revolves around her, and she usually has this one fake flaw, like clumsiness or something, or how she can't say no. They're horrible characters, because they've no depth to them,' Lily said. 'And because they're perfect to start with, there's almost never any character development.'

'How do you know these things?' Sirius asked.

She shrugged. 'I read a lot.'

**She had never had a boyfriend. **

'Are Mary Sues often lesbians?' Sirius looked hopeful.

'No, they usually latch on to the first handsome male they come across,' Lily said with a wave of her hand. 'So in fanfiction about us, I suppose that would be you or Remus or something.'

Sirius considered this. 'Well, she sounds hot. I suppose she could shag me…'

'She will warp you so much out of character, you won't recognize yourself,' Lily said.

'It can't be worse than Sirius shagging Moony,' said James. 'Anything is in-character compared to that.'

**Nobody ever talked long enough to her to realize she wasn't a freak – she was just shy. **

'It's the faux-flaw,' Lily whispered.

**Even as she told herself she would try harder this time, she knew her time at Hogwarts was doomed to be a disaster as well. Who could ever like her, some stupid, Muggleborn orphan? **

'And… she's a bitch,' Lily said. 'Though that was to be expected. And an orphan. A bitchy orphan – the standard Mary Sue formula!'

**She finally found an empty compartment and went to sit by the window. She took out a book – ****_War and Piece_**** by Tolstoy, her favourite – and started reading. She had a long journey ahead.**

'Now there's an empty line and we start out with us,' Remus said.

'**There are no more empty compartments,' James Potter informed Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. 'There's just one in the back with only one girl in it. Shall we sit over there?'**

'**Depends. Is she hot?' Sirius questioned.**

'So far, Sirius sounds pretty in-character,' Peter said, a doubtful expression on his face.

'**Very hot.'**

'**Then what are we waiting for?' Sirius roared. **

'Only looking at a girl's body and then shouting he wants his way – yes, this should be Sirius,' Remus said drily.

'Up yours, Moony,' said Sirius.

Remus flinched. 'You are not allowed to say that anymore.'

Lily giggled when Sirius's face dawned with understanding of the implications. 'Moony! Did you have to say that?'

**He moved past James and opened the door to the compartment. When he saw the girl, his breath caught in his throat. James was right – she ****_was _****hot. Those red lips, the big eyes, her long legs… **

'Hmmm. Nice,' Sirius said.

'**Hey,' he said. 'Mind if we join you?'**

**Ariana shook her head, feeling her heart beat in her throat as the four boys came in. Three of them were very good looking; one, the one who had spoken, had long, dark hair and grey eyes, like limpid tears. **

'Again with those tears! _I don't have eyes like that!_'

'Hey, at least she thinks you're handsome,' James said.

**He wore a smug, sexy grin and a T-shirt of the Beatles. The other black-haired boy wore glasses and had an athletic build, with abs clearly visible through his shirt. **

Remus stopped reading and looked at James, along with the rest. More precisely, they looked at his torso, where there were no abs visible through his shirt.

'It's flattering how she describes me,' James said, when he started feeling awkward.

'No, Prongs, it's lying,' said Sirius.

**Then there was a boy with sandy hair; he was pale and skinny, and nowhere near as hot as the other two, **

'Sorry, Remus,' said Sirius. 'We can't help it that we're this irresistible.'

'Oh, it's all right.' Remus thought back of another story he'd read, where there had been spoken of a Remus Lupin fan club. He knew he had his share in the fan girl market, too, strange as the idea was.

**but still all right. The last boy was pudgy and uninteresting (A/N FUCK YOU PETER PETTIGREW!1!eleven).**

'Oh, very funny, Remus,' Peter said.

'I didn't make it up! It's actually there.' Remus held up the book and pointed at the offending sentence.

'But why does she hate me?'

'I don't know.' Lily got up and put an arm around him. 'We don't hate you, don't worry. And anyway, this girl thinks _James _is _muscular_; she's obviously not the sharpest tool in the box.'

'**Who are you?' the boy with the glasses asked.**

'**Ariana Riddle,' she whispered shyly.**

'**Cool. I'm James Potter,' he said. 'These are Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. Are you new at Hogwarts?'**

**She nodded.**

'**Wow. I didn't know Hogwarts took transfer students,' said Sirius. **

'And Sirius points out something very important,' Lily said. 'Does Hogwarts take transfer students?'

'Not that I've ever heard of,' said James.

'I think we need to give her a bit of space here,' said Remus. 'It's a story, after all; she should get some room for improvisation, to help the plot and everything.'

**He guessed she had to be around their age, maybe a year or so younger. **

'And what age are we in this story?' Sirius said. 'Why is this suddenly written from my perspective? I thought we were reading it from hers!'

**Already he was planning on asking her out. 'So where are you from?'**

**She couldn't tell him; they would all flee from her. **

Remus snorted. 'Please. Those idiots don't run from anything, even when they should.'

'You do know you're with us there, too?' Peter said.

'I belong in the category of idiots who don't run away when they should. If I didn't, I wouldn't be reading this right now,' he said.

**It was better to be vague, she thought. 'America.'**

'**That's awesome,' breathed the boy named James. 'So do you know yet what House you'll be in?'**

'**No, I don't. Houses?' she asked.**

**James and Sirius started explaining the House-system to her, while Remus and Pettigrew talked about something else, like the next full moon. **

'That was… a random piece of information,' Peter said. 'Why would we talk about that with her near?'

'This is the first sign of your brains disappearing,' said Lily. 'That often happens to canon characters, so the Mary Sue looks good in comparison.'

**Ariana couldn't help but feel happy these boys were talking to her; of course they couldn't be friends, but it was nice to have someone to talk to.**

**Maybe this won't be so bad, she thought happily. **

**Of course she knew that wasn't true.**

**But she had to try, didn't she?**

'She's a bit whiny, isn't she?' Sirius said. 'I'm not sure if I want fanfiction!me shagging her. Even if she does have blonde hair and large tits. '

'Fanfiction!you might not be the one to be her true love,' Remus said. 'There's another author's note.'

**A/N: Tell me what you think! The next chapter should be up soon – the introduction of Snape and Lily! Do U think she should get with James or Sirius? xxx ArianaRiddle**

'She writes about herself with us?' Peter asked.

'That's what it looks like,' said Remus. 'And she doesn't know yet who she's going to end up with…' He looked at the next page, but it was blank. 'Huh. Turns out chapter two has never been written.'

'Or just not _yet_,' said James. 'Maybe it'll come.'

'Remember when we were making bets?' Lily said. 'I'd like to make one. One galleon says that, no matter who she ends up with, she'll at least snog both Sirius, James _and _someone else.'

'Fine. I say she ends with me,' said Sirius. 'And doesn't snog anyone else.'

'I'm with Sirius on this,' said Remus.

'I think she'll end up with Sirius, but snogs me too,' said James.

'And I say she ends up with some Dark Wizard,' Peter said.

'This is going to be exiting.' Lily clasped her hands. 'What, oh what, will Ariana do?'

'And on that interesting cliff-hanger, it's time for the next story. This time, I'm going to read,' said James. 'So you'd better pay attention.'


	5. Territory

'Okay, this one's called _Territory_ and is about Sirius and me.'

'I don't want to read this,' said Sirius.

'Don't care. It's listed under "humor/friendship" – that doesn't sound like I'm going to be pregnant with your child or something strange like that. The summary says - ' James cleared his throat and read, '"'I could be your pet and you'd have to take care of me and I could lie on Lily's lap whenever I wanted and look under her skirts, and nobody would notice…' A late-night conversation between James and Sirius, featuring peeing for territory, girls and possibly becoming a pet." That doesn't sound too bad, does it?'

'I don't know about that peeing, but as long as none of us has sex with someone else, I'm fine with it,' said Peter. 'Bring it on.'

**The two young men were sprawled across a red couch, both with a bottle of Butterbeer in their hands. It was obvious they weren't the only ones living in that place; there was no way these men would have kept the place as neat as it was, **

'So I assume we're living with Moony then,' said James to Sirius, who nodded.

'What makes you think you are one of those two men? Maybe they're Peter and Remus,' said Lily.

'Nah, it's us. I just know we are,' said Sirius.

**nor would they have picked a couch matching the curtain and pillows matching the couch. However, for the moment they were the only ones there.**

James read the next sentence in his head, but not aloud. 'I think we should be reading a different story,' he said.

'Gay porn so early on?' said Remus. 'Wow.'

'That's not it, it's just - '

'James, stop being such a lousy wanker,' Lily said. 'You chose this story and now you're going to read it. I don't care how awkward things might be between you and Sirius.'

James choked. 'Okay, just, er… don't go berserk when you hear.'

'**Prongs, does Lily know we're Animagi?' Sirius said.**

He couldn't continue, because he was interrupted by a loud 'WHAT?'

'Shit, Prongs, did you have to read that?' Sirius said, looking around the Common room for fear someone had overheard it.

'I said I wanted a different story…'

'Please tell me that this is due to the imagination of the author,' said Lily, who was pinching the bridge of her nose. 'Don't say that oh, wait, the two of you are Animagi.'

'We're not Animagi,' said Peter, though he didn't convince her.

'Oh, no. Oh no. How could you be – this – _what_?'

James put the book away and grabbed Lily's hands. 'Now, Lily, I told you not to panic. Yes, we are Animagi, but we have an excuse.'

Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head. 'Oh really? You have an excuse for being – illegally, I assume – an Animagus? How on earth did you _manage _that? That is very advanced magic!'

'Well, it took us a while to figure out how everything worked, that's true,' said Sirius. 'But how else were we supposed to help Moony when he's having his monthlies?'

'Padfoot, don't call them that,' said Remus. 'You make me sound like a girl.'

'You are a girl.'

'Er, let's focus on the problem here, shall we?' said Lily. 'You're actually Animagi? That is… That is…' She pulled her hands free and laid them on her cheeks as she sought for words. 'That is horrible and awesome and are you _crazy_? Don't you know what could've gone wrong?'

'Yeah, but it didn't,' said James. 'Lily, please don't tell anyone. We'd get into real trouble if anyone found out…'

'They won't hear it from me. But – wow – _Animagi_. I think the only reason I'm not mad is that it hasn't hit me yet.' She looked from James to Sirius to Peter. 'All of you are?'

'Well, I'm not, obviously,' said Remus. 'But the rest, yes.'

'Unbelievable. And what… I mean, your animal forms? What are those?'

'A stag,' said James.

'Dog.'

'Rat.'

'I'm so shocked. I am beyond flabbergasted,' Lily said, shaking her head. 'There are no words for this. I think I've just lost all ability to think?'

James looked around. 'Well, er… in that case, shall I just… continue?'

'**What? Oh, no, she doesn't.' James yawned and stretched before placing his hands behind his head and looking at Sirius. 'She'd eat me alive if she found out. Why?'**

'You won't eat me alive, will you?'

'I don't know. I've always wanted to taste venison…'

James looked appalled. 'Evans!'

'Sorry.'

'**I was just wondering… If she doesn't know, where does she think the nickname Prongs comes from?'**

**James grinned lazily and stared up at the ceiling. 'From the other antlers I have when I'm not a stag.'**

'Is that true?' Sirius said.

'No. To be frank, I never had any idea where your names come from. I just… I now get Prongs, but the other two…?'

'I've padded feet,' said Sirius.

'Makes sense. And you, "Wormtail"? Oh, of course. Your tail is like a worm. Sorry, I'm a bit slow; I suppose my brain is still trying to make sense of the fact that you are all illegal Animagi. _Merlin_, that's weird.'

'**She believes ****_we_****'d call you by a nickname from ****_that_****?'**

'**No, but she hasn't got the truth out of me yet. At least I didn't have to explain Moony's. Pass me those beans.' He nodded to a small bowl of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. **

'**No, too lazy to move. **

'You lazy fuck,' James said fondly. 'You're very in-character, aren't you?'

**So if she thinks Prongs comes from your manhood and Moony comes from his furry little problem… Why does she think I'm called Padfoot?' As he spoke, Sirius popped a handful of beans into his mouth. Catching James's annoyed look, Sirius grinned and threw a few at James's head. 'Here, catch.'**

'Too in-character, almost.'

'What? You said you wanted beans!'

'**You're such a git,' James said, as a bean hit his glasses. He opened his mouth and tried to catch the next one with his mouth, but it hit his cheek. With the next one he was successful. 'I told her you have a foot fetish.'**

'**And Wormy?'**

'**A bad incident during Potions. Can I have another one?'**

**Sirius tossed him another bean, which James caught again.**

'**Good one,' Sirius said, impressed.**

'**Hey, I wasn't a Chaser for nothing.' **

'**I thought you'd bribed your way in.'**

**James kicked him. 'Sometimes I really prefer you in your dog-form, did you know that? At least then you can't talk.'**

'James, you're so mean to me,' said Sirius, placing a hand over his heart. 'How could fanfiction!you say something like that to me?'

'I don't know. Fanfiction!me just voices what I always think when you're off talking bullshit, I suppose.'

'**My dog form is awesome.'**

'**Maybe you should make it permanent.'**

'**It ****_would _****be fun, I guess,' Sirius said. 'I could be your pet and you'd have to take care of me and I could lie on Lily's lap whenever I wanted and look under her skirts, and nobody would notice…'**

'I would now. I'll never look at a dog the same way again,' said Lily. 'I'll always think of them as perverts from now on. Thanks, Sirius.'

**James got one of the beans he'd missed from between the pillows and threw it at Sirius's head. 'You're even dumber than you look if you think ****_I'd _****take you in. Maybe Moony would be nice enough, but I know better than that.'**

'So do I, in case you were wondering,' said Remus. 'So don't even try.'

'As if I'd want to be your dog,' Sirius scoffed. 'I probably wouldn't even be allowed on the couch and you'd give me healthy dog food. It'd be the pits.'

'**You're just jealous because you'll never have your belly rubbed by a pretty girl. Believe me, Prongs: there is nothing better than that.' **

'Amen, fanfiction!me, amen.'

**Sirius closed his eyes, a dreamy grin on his face. 'To have them all patting me and playing with me and hugging me. It's great.'**

'**Now I'm definitely not keeping you as my pet; I could never have girls over for fear you'd… pee on them to mark your territory, or something like that.' James cocked his head. '****_Do _****you pee to mark your territory?'**

**Sirius nodded. 'When we left, I owned all of the Hogwarts grounds. Not that there are many other dogs, but…' He shrugged. **

'Sirius!'

'What? I've only done it a couple of times,' Sirius said. 'You never know!'

'**Merlin. I've got very vivid images of waking up and discovering you've peed all over the place.'**

'**As a human or a dog?' **

'Sirius!'

'Evans, will you stop that?'

**James groaned. 'It was as a dog. Now it's as a human. Why do you always make me think stuff like this?'**

'**Your brain comes up with it. But all this talking about peeing has made me realize it's time I do some. Don't eat everything.' With some difficulty Sirius got up from the couch; James immediately took advantage of his absence by claiming the new empty space. While Sirius was in the bathroom, James leafed through last month's ****_Quidditch Weekly_****, wondering if he should buy a new broom.**

'You should. You never have too many brooms,' said James. 'You know, this story isn't all that bad. No scary gay scenes, no sex between Lily and Sirius, no… pregnant men…'

'No Mary Sues,' Lily said, nodding. 'Things could've been a lot worse. I wonder when this takes place, though? Could this be at your house, or is this maybe after Hogwarts?'

'It doesn't _sound _like my house,' said James. 'Nor Moony's.'

'Nor mine,' said Peter.

'Maybe this is our own place. We could live together, the four of us,' said James, indicating the Marauders. 'It would be the best. And of course, you'd always be welcome, Lily.'

**He was just reading about the new Cleansweep when a big, black dog jumped on his stomach.**

'**Oof! Padfoot,' he groaned, trying to push Sirius away. 'Sod off, you're heavy.'**

'Are you calling me fat?'

James slowly turned his head to look at Sirius. 'Excuse me?'

'You just said I was heavy!'

'And people say I'm a girl,' Remus muttered.

**Sirius did get off, wagging his tail. He barked twice and then rolled over, offering James his tummy.**

'Maybe this is the gay sex,' said Peter.

James frowned. 'It'd better not be. I have tickled Sirius's tummy. And it had _nothing _to do with any homoerotic feelings _whatsoever_. And it never _will _have anything to do with that. Just to be clear about that, no matter what follows in this story.'

'Very specific denial that is, Prongs,' said Peter. 'Almost too specific.'

'Wormy, I swear, if you continue that train of thought, I'll pee on your clothes and say it was the cat,' said Sirius.

**James raised his eyebrows. 'Now there are no beautiful girls around, I have to rub y – you didn't pee in the bathroom, did you?'**

**Sirius shook his head and barked again; after so many years of hanging out with Sirius as a dog, James knew that bark meant impatience. He leaned down and started rubbing Sirius's belly, yawning while he did so. It was getting late; he should kick Sirius out soon.**

'So we don't live together.'

'So James lives there, Sirius doesn't and there _is _a third, neat person,' said Remus, listing them off on his fingers. 'Do I live with James?'

'Maybe I'm living with Lily,' James said. 'You never know.'

'I wouldn't count on it,' Lily said.

'But I do, Lily.'

**He looked up when the lock clicked, the door opened and Lily came in. **

'AND I'M RIGHT!'

**She looked tired and the first thing she did was to step out of her heels. **

'**Hey,' James said. 'How were things at the ****_Prophet_****?'**

'I work at the _Prophet?_'

Sirius gave James a very meaningful look before saying, 'That surprises you more than living with Prongs seems to do, Evans.'

She raised one eyebrow. 'Are you implying something, Sirius?'

'Not at all, Lily. Not at all.'

**Taking off her coat, she said, 'Horrible. Two hours ago news came in of an attack in Portsmouth and guess who was sent out to cover it?' She took the pins from her hair and shook her head. 'I'm exh – is that a dog?'**

'**What?'**

**James followed her gaze and saw Sirius, sitting very still and looking the part of a good, well-behaved dog, up to the puppy-eyes. **

'You'd love my puppy eyes,' Sirius said to Lily. 'I'd bet you want to keep me now.'

'**Oh, er, yes, it is,' he said, getting up. 'Would you like some tea?' **

'Ah, the Potter smoothness strikes again,' said Peter. 'I'm sure she doesn't notice it.'

**He moved to the kitchen, avoiding her look, but he could still feel it on his back. He tapped a kettle with his wand.**

'**Why is there a dog in our house?' **

'OUR house! I'm living with Lily Evans!'

He got some strange stares from the other students in the room, but they could not even hope to diminish his happiness. 'I like this author! She obviously knows how the world is supposed to be.'

'**Green tea or rooibos?'**

'**James.'**

**Reluctantly, he turned around, only to see that Lily had taken a seat on the couch's arm rest and was now tickling Sirius under his chin. There was a tired smile on her face as she said, 'She's adorable.'**

'… She?' Sirius said. 'Evans, I do hope you see I'm a man.'

'Well, I don't know. In between the long hair and comments about your weight…' Lily shrugged. 'Maybe you're a very effeminate dog.'

'**Er, yeah. She is,' James said, unable to repress a grin when Sirius pricked up his ears. 'I… one of my colleagues was going away for a couple of days and asked me to take care of her. I should've asked you, of course, but it was a bit of a last-minute thing. Do you mind?' As he spoke, he picked up the kettle and filled two cups with hot water. Just to be on the safe side, he made both rooibos and green tea; it was of vital importance Lily didn't get annoyed with him now.**

'**Thanks,' she said, as he handed her a saucer with the cup. She looked down at Sirius, who was wagging his tail again. Holding the saucer with one hand, she used the other to fondle Sirius's head. **

'I'm being fondled by Lily Evans,' Sirius said. 'Oh, the bliss, the bliss!'

'Well, she's living with me. I think I win,' said James.

'I don't know how I can survive with either of you,' Lily said.

'**How long is she staying?'**

'**Just tonight,' James said. He sat down next to her and kissed her cheek. **

'Oooh!'

'James.'

'Did you hear that, Evans?'

'James.'

'I kissed your cheek!'

'James, for fuck's sake!'

'**You look tired.'**

'**I am. Dog-tired. I'm going to bed in a couple of minutes, I think.' She leaned against him and he put an arm around her waist, wishing Sirius would evaporate. **

'**So, where is she – what's her name? – sleeping tonight?' Lily asked.**

'**Her name's Paula,' James said, remembering Sirius had once said he hated that name. **

'Hey, thanks mate. I remember why we're such good friends,' said Sirius.

'**And I thought she'd probably be fine in the living room. It's just for tonight and she's very well-behaved.'**

'**If you say so. But I'm not cleaning it if there's any poo anywhere.' She yawned. 'I haven't got the time. Bloody ****_Prophet_****.'**

'**What time do you have to get up tomorrow?'**

'**Six. I'm the new girl, so all the stupid little tasks are left for me. Yay.' She laughed when Sirius rolled over to his back, and started rubbing her hand across his belly. 'Are you sure we can't keep her?'**

'**Very sure.' He kissed her again, trying to distract her and succeeding. **

'Don't even start, Potter.'

'I didn't say anything!'

'**Why don't you just go and take a long bath and then go to bed, and tomorrow we'll do something fun together?' he said, caressing her cheek with his thumb.**

**Her green eyes, a bit bloodshot from the exhaustion of doing extra hours all week, **

'Oh, sure. From the extra hours,' said Sirius. 'I'm sure she's just stoned.'

**lit up at the thought. 'It's a date,' she said, kissing him on his lips. **

'YES!'

'**That bath sounds like a very good idea.'**

**She took her cup with her to the bathroom. The moment she had locked the door behind her, Sirius changed back into his human form.**

'**Paula?' he asked. 'Really, Prongs?'**

'**Hey, you're the one who was being fondled by my girlfriend,' said James. **

'YES!'

'People are seriously going to wonder what's wrong with him,' Remus said. 'All that shouting all the time…'

'Besides, I don't even get what was so good about that,' said Peter. 'She was playing with Sirius, not James…'

'No, but she's my girlfriend. It's in the details, Wormy.'

'**You stupid wanker. Well, looks like I'll be staying the night after all.' Sirius took Lily's place, his arms crossed in front of his chest and a broad grin on his face. 'D'you think she'd let me sleep in bed with you?'**

'And the homoerotic subtext is back,' Peter said.

'Doesn't matter. Lily kissed me. All is well in this story.'

**James glared at him. 'Don't even think about it.'**

'**Already am, Prongs, already am.' He turned back into a dog and jumped onto the couch, where he curled up and closed his eyes. **

**James shook his head, grinning, as he went to bed. A little while later he was joined by Lily, **

'Ooooh yes! YES YES YES!'

'I'm starting to think the best way to kill him would be to shag him,' Lily said, staring at him. 'His heart would probably fail from the excitement.'

'Lily, it would be the best way to die.'

Sirius shook his head. 'Prongs, you're pathetic.'

'But successful. Just read this; we're living together. Kissing. Sleeping together. I'm sure this fic is just about our future,' said James.

**who wrapped her arms around him. **

'Yes!'

'**James?'**

'**Hmm?' he said sleepily.**

'**I was thinking, that dog was reminding me of someone, but now I know who.'**

**He tensed. 'Hmm?'**

'**She's the striking image of Bathilda Bagshot.'**

Everyone who wasn't Sirius burst out laughing.

'Now that she's mentioned it,' said Remus, eyeing Sirius, 'He does look like her, doesn't he?'

'It's in the eyes,' said Peter. 'And the hair.'

'Hey! No bitching about my hair!'

**James grinned. 'Yeah, now you say so, she is. I'll tell her in the morning.'**

'**You do that, James. Good night.'**

'**G'night.' **

'And just like that, I've proved to be better at finding stories than any of you,' said James. 'This one was awesome. Such a wonderful way of portraying our future together, Lily. I can really imagine it, can't you?'

She shook her head, but she was smiling. 'You're horrible, so you are.'

'But you love me for it?'

She didn't reply. Getting up, she said, 'After this lovely story, I'm feeling a bit peckish. Who's coming with me for dinner? Maybe they've got venison on the menu…'

* * *

**A/N: There is a normal version of 'Territory' that can be found on my profile, because yes, I am so vain as to make them read my own fanfic and like it. x**


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